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29 May 2013 @ 11:46 am
1. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. So why does inculcating indifference hurt so much? I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself.

I wish I could forget and stop believing that every guy I've ever really, really liked (I can count them on my fingers… there aren't even 7) has turned out to be unavailable, if not physically, then emotionally.

Even if I know that it's not true, I keep asking myself what is wrong with me, or what I would have to be or do differently. I know I have to have faith, but it's a daily process.

"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." - H.H. Dalai Lama

2. I hate that deciding what I want to do for my birthday seems to hold such gravity... or at least it is kind of stressing me out; I want to squeeze each birthday to its fullest. Thus far, I know I want to do my long run on the river at sunrise and maybe go for tea and putt-putt golf with friends.

I think this stems from the fact that growing up, summer was hard for my family financially, and part of me feared/loathed summer as a result. I know that this summer will be better than those in the past, but still. I feel like this birthday is a big deal because it's a milestone year.

3. I made a friend a pop-up thank you card and envelope, and it was fun and therapeutic. It's been a long time since I've done something artistic with my hands, and I forgot how much I miss it.

4. I don't know why I doubted that Vampire Weekend's new album, Modern Vampires of the City, would be good. Amazing. Yesterday as we were leaving track, we caught the tailend of NPR's review of the album. Another album that I can listen from to end to end and a spiffy album cover to grace my desk.

5. Started House of Cards on Netflix. I sort of like Kevin Spacey's occasional narration/breaking the fourth wall.

6. Work today, off tomorrow.
26 April 2013 @ 06:36 am
I know mucus is necessary for certain things (keeping areas lubricated, trapping debris, etc.), but it is both fascinating and frustrating to know that the body can keep producing it when your allergies or sinuses are acting up post-travel.

I don't want to be cynical, but I wish I hadn't been conditioned by years and years of movies, novels, television shows, plays, musicals, and operas to think that finding a significant other would be easy.

I don't want to lose hope, but I wish that the honest, no-bullshit communication that my colleagues at work and I strive for and as sanctioned by Landmark Education were applicable when it comes to love...

Ever since coming back from Landmark in March, I find myself immediately zeroing in on old/negative thought patterns or identifying thoughts as stories, but sometimes I am frustrated because after identifying those thoughts, I am stymied as to what to do/think next. Yes, it's a story, no, it's not true, but why am I still experiencing the thought? How can I consistently replace the thought with something positive/true?

Spent a much-needed true day off yesterday making the most out of an initially-upsetting situation: my group exercise class was overbooked, so I was asked if I would like to take another class. Instead, I declined and finally got to visit some quirky, classy, vintage-inspired shops on one of my favorite streets for the first time and came home with 2 lovely dresses that I can dress up or down. I also got a French manicure/pedicure and tested out some very buoyant Adidas shoes on the Thursday night 5K through the park with friends. Maybe next week we'll all get to go out again post-run, as we haven't in weeks.

Spending the weekend with my voice teacher and her family; her operetta-themed recital for which I wrote the program notes is tonight. Will be fun!

Deactivated my Facebook account as an experiment after a conversation with friends in person last night about what a time-waster FB is. I will try to go the weekend and then see how long I don't miss FB.

It is my goal to fit into my Speed Shorts (even if I don't end up wearing them to race in!) by May 24's 5K. I am eating clean again (still vegetarian, vegan when I can, cutting out processed carbs and sugar). Hold me accountable!

The following is my mantra:

"Changing Your Body Means Changing Your Thinking. My whole life, I've struggled with my weight. Many people in my profession do—'It's not over till the fat lady sings,' as they say. But I've learned that weight loss, like a lot of things, starts with your mind. If you don't look inside and examine how food is protecting you from dealing with something difficult, and why some inner voice is undermining your resolve, no diet in the world will help." - Renee Fleming
Current Music: "Over," Blake Shelton
07 March 2013 @ 10:12 pm
Today I came to a realization about myself: I have this need to preserve things for posterity. Or rather, because I enjoy journaling and scrapbooking, I have a need for proof that something happened, whether it's ticket stubs and receipts, programs, pictures, etc.

It occurred to me today that I can just calm down about collecting ephemera to later compile artfully and just be present and enjoy the moment, whether it's an Impressionistic painting at the Metropolitan Museum of Art or Matthew Broderick and Kelli O'Hara's charmingly song-and-dance "'S Wonderful" in Nice Work If You Can Get It.

I feel like the past 24 hours have been a dream. I haven't been to NYC in 10 years. (I also haven't bought a hard-copy cast recording in at least 8 years, with the advent of iTunes and Spotify.)

Walking at last into the Metropolitan Museum of Art was unreal. From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler is one of my most favorite novels ever as a kid and even now. I even made it more authentic by trekking all the way from the subway stop at 666 5th Avenue to the museum itself at 1000 5th Avenue, grinning ear-to-ear upon seeing familiar landmarks like St. Thomas Church and Bergdorf Goodman en route.

I immediately decided I would spend my 4.5 hours until 5:30 PM closing in the 19th- and 20th-Century European Galleries, which meant everything from the realistic, arresting Joan of Arc by Lepage to Rodin and Degas sculptures. It was both slightly frustrating and humbling to think that I could spend an entire afternoon in just that wing (about 30 rooms total -- I was crossing them off as I viewed and read each painting/caption) and not even crack the surface of the museum's treasures. I didn't schedule more time to come back (they're closed Mondays, when I'm totally off, and Tuesday is Dr. Oz taping + NBC tour), but I really, really, really want to go back for the antiquities wing, if not also the special Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity exhibit that was just beyond the wing I visited.

Although I started off the day sleepily, starting Bossypants in the terminal and on the plane until I dozed off post-complimentary Biscoff cookies (now I see why they're appealing), and transitioned to slightly on-edge about getting to the hotel on time, I remembered how much I love New York. I may not want to live here permanently -- my hotel room is clean and charming but cozy -- but the city is just so alive, expansive, romantic, iconic, historic, gritty, and full of things to do, sights to see, and things to try. (The 'Shroom Burger and crinkle Fries at Shake Shack Theatre District were amazing after going an entire day nonstop on nothing but those Biscoff cookies and my mom's torta for breakfast.)

And kudos to the creative team, cast, and crew of Nice Work If You Can Get It. Matthew Broderick was charmingly droll as irresponsible, flighty playboy Jimmy Winter, and Kelli O'Hara complemented him as awkward bootlegger Billie Bendix. Judy Kaye was HILARIOUS as teetotaler Duchess Estonia, and I loved the juxtaposition of "By Strauss" (and the inclusion of Adele's cadenza in "Mein Herr Marquis") with "Sweet and Lowdown (reprise)." Joe DiPietro's book was also humorous without trying too hard, and Kathleen Marshall's choreography was energetic, snappy, and visually stunning, complemented by the late Martin Packledinaz's (also of Thoroughly Modern Millie :) vivid costumes.

So. Back in my room I'm totally amped up, not wired, just quite awake. Methinks it's time for a nice, hot shower -- it was snowing all night, which meant a patina of wetness on my Ravenclaw beanie and scarf -- and more Bossypants. Yoga and Landmark day 1 tomorrow! So excited and grateful to be here :)
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: "Looking for a Boy," Nice Work If You Can Get It, Judy Kaye
04 January 2013 @ 03:56 pm
(I meant to vent/post earlier this week, but before I could save the post, my browser conked out, and so did my resolve to re-write everything.)

Went out on a limb this week and expressed my interest in hanging out (coffee, dinner, Zumba!, whatever) with the guy whom I like. I don't regret doing it, I just wish the response were clearer... although I kind of get the hint. And that I didn't spend the last 2 days in a mini-spleen wondering what is wrong with me.

Obsessed with "Locked Out of Heaven." I think because it sounds like The Police meets Maroon 5. And I want to choreograph a jive to it.

Went to my second official CrossFit WOD last night after having done Fundamentals with my teammates in November. I look forward to going more often (2x a week in addition to my other activities).

This morning's Bikram with Charlotte + Power Yoga with Haley, one of my favorite, mellow, graceful instructors (with elegant, unconventional flows and a badass playlist before, during, and after class running the gamut from Fiona Apple and Regina Spektor to Cat Power to Madeleine Peyroux to Ella Fitzgerald to Enya to Muse).

Brunch = chocolate croissant, cashews, almonds, craisins, spirulina chips, and PB & J on wheat miche. (We did 4 x 400 m sprints as the WOD yesterday, and then I did an almost-6-mile run with my training group against the riverfront winds and in 40-degree weather in the dark last night at almost race pace.) Paleo starts again tomorrow, for realz.

Looking forward to traveling this year! Being more fiscally responsible and saving for trips to Europe, Vancouver, and Australia :)

Aaaannddd I just remembered that I'm seeing Patti LuPone perform next week, eeeeee!

p.s. Played Just Dance: Disney last weekend when I visited my voice teacher and her awesome family -- definitely got some Zumba! choreography inspiration and realized how much I miss music/performing/dancing.
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: "Shake It Up," Selena Gomez
31 December 2012 @ 12:35 am
Take the first sentence (or 2) from the first post of each month of 2011. That's your year in review!

year in review.Collapse )
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful/excited
Current Music: Selections from Just Dance: Disney stuck in my head
13 December 2012 @ 10:55 pm
You know you're getting older when your Christmas wish list consists of the following:

- 9-cup Cuisinart food processor (I will use this daily for paleo baking experiments, nut butters, pestos, "cheeze" sauces, etc.)

- contact lenses (need to refill my prescription)

And on the bigger side…

- a new apartment

- to date my yoga teacher crush

Although a part of me wants to order myself some roller skates, even if the ground around here is mostly too uneven to skate safely…
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: "Christmas Wrapping," The Waitresses
14 September 2012 @ 11:38 pm
1. "Good Time" by Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen. So ridiculously simple, almost banal, but addictive.

2. Diary of a Wimpy Kid anything. I read some of The Last Straw and The Ugly Truth with my favorite eight-year-old when I stayed with my voice teacher's family last week, and I rented the first film on iTunes -- high-larious! I was literally laughing out loud at the book and the movie.

(I bought the second film, Rodrick Rules, tonight because it's neither available on iTunes, Redbox, or Netflix Streaming... And I'm going to see Dog Days on Monday.) It reminds me of the Amelia's Notebook series crossed with Captain Underpants. Jeff Kinney is a genius.

3. anything Jayma Mays sings on Glee. Which is maybe 2 full songs at this point? (Not counting her solos in group songs and the Season 1 "All By Myself" cryfest clip, she's covered "Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me" and "Wedding Bell Blues," the last of which I first heard on Designing Women… I didn't realize that it and Laura Nyro were from the 1970s.)

And… as much as I've wanted to dislike the show for various reasons, not least of which are 1) twenty-somethings playing teenagers, 2) the contrived plot twists, 3) the use of AutoTune and/or the creepily-uniform sound of most of the songs/voices, and 4) the flagrantly unrealistic designer-caliber wardrobes of the students and teachers (like Milly, Anthropologie, J. Crew, Marc Jacobs, etc.), I think I may actually be warming up to it… *cringe*

4. The Complete Sherlock Holmes. To tide me over until the BBC series resumes filming next year.

5. re-watching movies (namely, Disney Channel Original Movies) from my childhood. Wiiiild. When a 90-minute TV movie was of quality, circa 1996-2002ish. Some favorites included Wish Upon a Star, Model Behavior, Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century (although I never understood where "Zedis lapedis!" came from), Double Teamed, Brink, and of course, The Paper Brigade! Although I think that last one wasn't a DCOM.

New opportunities next week...
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: "Wedding Bell Blues," Jayma Mays
30 July 2012 @ 03:17 pm
Sometimes I wish I could be like Regina George in that scene from Mean Girls in which she offhandedly remarks, "... please stop talking."

I recently read a thought-provoking reflection on complaining from a particularly wise, encouraging friend, although part of me is too grumpy to heed it.

I am tired…

… of hearing the shrieking children gamboling in the parking lot outside our apartment because the walls are so thin.
… of feeling like my siblings and I are under house arrest with absolutely no privacy. (I don't have my own room of which to speak or a chair or couch upon which to read.)
… of feeling like I'm a five-year-old.
… of overhearing my parents' conversations about everything.
… of wondering if the last quarter of my life have been a waste.
… of feeling like a waste of space.

I pared my FB "friend" list from 807 to 280 before deactivating temporarily/until further notice. I'm tired of the superficiality of it all and the "need" to constantly check updates.

Incidentally, I've almost completely re-read Harry Potter for the first time since the series came out, and it's been unsurprisingly riveting and gratifying. (I admit that I've never read Book 7… just saw the films… so I am reading it for the first time.) It is still amazing how J.K. Rowling combine(d)/(s) practically every genre in crafting an intensely absorbing, detailed, multilayered, readable narrative. In retrospect, I found it comical that, as a 12-year-old, I thought that the exposition of Goblet of Fire was unwieldy.

Missing someone really sucks.
Current Music: "Settle Down," Kimbra
13 July 2012 @ 12:23 pm
I can't tell if I feel crappy because

1. the weather is overcast and sad
2. it's that time of the month
3. I'm still thirsty from Monday
4. the future is scary
5. I feel stifled and unencouraged here

Or all of the above.

I'm slowly but surely getting through my to-do list for the week. Oy.
Current Music: "Not Like the Movies," Katy Perry
13 July 2012 @ 10:02 am
"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." p. 2

"The teacher has assigned us a few chapters at a time, but I do not like to read books like that." p. 9

"It would be very nice to have a friend again. I would like that even more than a date." p. 21

"In the hallways, I see the girls wearing the guys' jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are." p. 23-24

"'Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve.'" p. 24

"Then, I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be." p. 26

"I do not know why this excited me, but I guess when you see somebody in the hallway or on the field or something, it's nice to know that they are a real person." p. 34

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." p. 39

"I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is. And I think it's bad when the most honest way a boy can look at a girl is through a camera. It's very hard for me to see Sam feel better about herself just because an older boy sees here that way." p. 48-49

"[My dad] looked like all old pictures look. Old pictures look very rugged and young, and the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are … I just hope to remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs. And I hope that they believe me." p. 52-53

"I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked 'good.' Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and you hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it's nice. It really is." p. 67

"'I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. Okay?'" p. 70

"And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't. " p. 74

"I just wanted to know what to buy my dad because I love him. And I don't know him. And he doesn't like to talk about things like that." p. 77

"And I could feel what he felt on the night when he realized that if he didn't leave, it would never be his life. It would be theirs." p. 88

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist." p. 94

"Craig said the problem with things is that everyone is always comparing everyone with everyone and because of that, it discredits people, like in his photography classes." p. 104

"When he gave me the book, Bill said, 'Be skeptical about this one. It's a great book. But try to be a filter, not a sponge.'" p. 153

"'Charlie, don't you get it? I can't feel that. It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes. It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things […]

Charlie, I told you not think of me that way nine months ago because of what I'm saying now. Not because of Craig. Not because I didn't think you were great. It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them.'" p. 200-201

"And even though I didn't know you, I felt like I did because you sounded like such a good person. The kind of person who wouldn't mind receiving letters from a kid. The kind of person who would understand how they were better than a diary because there is communion and a diary can be found." p. 208

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them […] Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Like Sam said. Because it's okay to feel things. And to be who you are about them." p. 211-212

"That was the amazing part. Things just keep going … We were just there together. And that was enough." p. 212

"But mostly I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if saw I downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite." p. 212

"So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you. Love always, Charlie" p. 212

* * *

It is frankly astonishing how much better a book can be 10 years after the first time you read it. I read it in almost 1 day, and I frankly cried at parts this time.

I can't believe that Sunday marks half-way through July.

My birthday was good, with celebrations throughout the past few weeks including Zumba! dancing at halftime of a professional sporting event and spending a long weekend with my voice teacher and her family that was lovely (for instance, they bought me a vegan, gluten-free cake with my name on it and presents! it was so unexpected) but also made me think about life in general.

My lovely cake a few days later.Collapse )

Tomorrow my friends and I are going to an English tea room for a belated celebration. Both that long weekend and this tea party I thought were "so far away" a few weeks ago, and yet here they are.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: "Wake Up Shake Up," Blair